How am I?!?

I was rather embarrassed recently when a friend of mine asked if I planned to keep up with my blog since I'm back in the states. I told her that yes, I was planning on keeping it up but somehow I just hadn't found the "ganas" to write yet. For those of you who do not have the fortune of knowing Spanish, "ganas" is a fantastic word that has no good translation to English. As close as I can get, would be, "desire" or "oomph!" 

The thing is, how can you tell people how you're doing, give an update, when you yourself don't know quite how you're doing?

You know how shock works. People can cut their finger off and sit there and look at it, maybe even snap a picture of it and upload it to Facebook before the pain ever hits. (Can't actually say this from personal experience, but I've been told . . . ) That's more or less how I'm feeling. 

Numb. 

Like I didn't throw myself on my bed and cry myself to sleep over all my kids that I wouldn't see for a very long time. But neither did I feel excited and overjoyed to be with my friends and family that I hadn't seen for a very long time. 

Emotionally dead is not a fun way to be feeling. 

But as with any major injury, eventual feeling starts to return. The throbbing of the injury and confirmation that it is not your whole body that was maimed. The pain over what was lost and the comfort of knowing that not all is lost. 

It comes slowly. The feeling of being alive. 

The rush of cold wind bringing tears to my eyes, tearing up the road in the four-wheeler.

The music of a John Deere tractor in my ears, watching the rich brown earth rolling under the disk. 

The smell of damp earth and smoke from the wood fire, tickling my nose in the silence of the deer blind.

The awe felt while watching a full moon glide up over the horizon, and then watching it set in the cold haze of an autumn dawn. 

Catching up for nine months of missed playtime with the niece and nephews

The feeling of pride, watching my (little) brother walk down the aisle-seeing the man he has become. (No, he wasn't walking down the aisle with this one, but these two just looked too cute to not snap the pic) 

Of course, when the heart is opened to the good feelings the hard feelings also come in. The ache in my stomach for some good tortillas with fresh cheese and guacamole! The boringness of doing dishes alone, no splashing by Miguel and no towel wars with Elmer. The almost unquenchable itch to sign the praise songs we sing in church. (I may just one of these days, people wouldn't look at me funny or anything right?!)  The bone-deep desire to give a great big hug to my kids and ask them how their lives have been. 

And the questions, asking God-Where do I go from here? What's the plan? Is there a plan? I don't think this is gonna work. 

So . . . How am I doing? I'm doing good! It's great to be home again!

Letting go??

I don't feel like I'm ready to talk about what happened this week. But to be fair to those of you who have been following Silvia's journey, praying with me, it's only fair that you be updated. 

Silvia was sent home permanently Tuesday morning. 

It probably sounds very sudden and all, but the truth of the matter is, she was riding the fence for the last week or two. Talking didn't do a whole lot of good. She knew who she was "listening" to, but couldn't seem to break the bonds that had formed from 14 years of letting her human nature control her. I do still believe her conversion was real, she just hadn't quite gotten the "daily renewing" part yet.  

But the fact that she has walked out of my life, without a good-bye, is still just a little bit too much for me. I have trouble believing that she will be able to continue to listen to the still small voice of God in the tornado that is her life. That becoming a Christian, for her, was something that happened at CICS and would therefore stay at CICS. And I wanted to talk to her one last time and let her know that was not the case and that just because she was not a part of my daily life anymore didn't mean I was going to forget about her and stop praying for her. But I didn't get that chance. And that hurts. But I trust God has a bigger plan for Silvia in this and I will keep clinging to that. He is not limited to our ideas of what will or will not work. (Pat answers that sound good but are REALLY hard to believe right now) 

Please keep praying for Silvia and her mom. She has a hard time finding work to support the two of them if she has to try to corral Silvia and work at the same time. She seemed quite discouraged the last time I talked to her. And pray for me too, that I can put Silvia in His hands and leave her there. 

The last month . . . .

" . . . to bring my heart to every day, and run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away."

This is a line from a song that grabbed me by the throat this week. (Jason Gray, Without Running Away, for those of you that were wondering.) the challenge to actually bring my heart to every day, rather than just wake up and go through the motions is a constant struggle for me. Especially when we get to this part of the year where one is tempted to just throw up the hands and say, "forget it!" It doesn't matter anyway, there's only one month of school left." When the deadlines are looming and it feels like it will be impossible to finish every thing up. 

Yes, somehow, unbelievably we have landed at this place. Technically it's less than a month. 29 days to be exact, until I will be heading to the Monseñor Romero Airport, and saying good-bye to El Salvador for a good little while. I won't say "for forever" because I will definitely be visiting again. But leaving this time will be a little bit different, ok, a lot different, because I don't have a return ticket. I won't focus on it any more than that for now because it practically gives me the heebie-jeebies to think about it. I would rather focus on squeezing the pleasure out of each moment that I have left. Even the moments that I feel like whopping my kids over the head. 

It seems they have caught the "end-of-year-it-don't-matter" bug. Eduardo has become a pro at shrugging his shoulders and saying, "I don't know." So we will continue to try to interest him. The other day, he got quite animated over which soccer team I like, Real Madrid or Barcelona, super big deal! So I do know there are things that interest him. Just how to help him see that the things that don't interest him as much as football (soccer, whatever) or practicing his trick riding skills are still important? Silvia continues to ride the line, seeing how far she can go before she gets in serious trouble. Not a fun situation to be in! And to know how to counsel her when she deliberately chooses to do wrong, knowing that she is choosing to obey Satan and it doesn't seem to matter to her. Paola, continues to work along steadily, math and learning words don't seem to be too overwhelming for her, until she gets caught in a giggle fit, which I still have to figure out how it is triggered although sometimes I'm not sure I want to know how her brain works! Beatriz also continues to plug along withou too many problems, she's been asking some hard questions lately. Like, "How long do your sleeves have to be to be a Chrisitan . . . Etc" Whoah! What!?!  I told her I would take one Wednesday morning girls devotion to explain what is required of Christians and what the Bible says about how we should dress. A little bit intimidating since what they have always been told is that cape dresses and veils are Christian. But I do not believe that is the case, but neither did I want to teach them that they can do whatever they want, "as long as their heart is right." I pray God can use whatever I said whether I went about it all wrong and use it to further strengthen their relationship with Him. 

Their questions and the conversations we can get caught up in, never cease to amaze me! How we got from discussing the differences between plants and animals to whether or not vampires are real is still a mystery to me, but what is school for if not to get answers to your questions? So to me it didn't really matter whether or not we finished the science lesson for the day, since they were asking questions about things that truly perplexed them. The other question that blew me for a loop was when Elmer told/asked me whether or not it was actually the little horses that made rainbows appear in the sky. Somehow, they seem to have a hard time dividing the real from the imaginary, especially when they've seen it on TV. 

Along with the busyness that come with wrapping up school and trying to pack up the last three years of your life, well, I haven't actually started that, but the thought is enough to make me want to run far away, we are starting to practice for our year-end drama. (Naaman, the leper) I also am still having sewing classes with Teresa two afternoons a week so that kinda takes up a good chunk of my time. She has finished two dresses, so this next week I'm hoping she will be able to get started helping me on an order of purses that I have to finish before the end of the year. 

Sometimes I have to wander about the ideas I get, and why I think they have to be done. But I think I'll be glad that I stuck through with this last-minute project that I started. It hit me the other day that is is the tenth anniversary of the school being started. And nothing was really being done about it. I have always loved the idea of re-creating photos from long ago, but my brothers always refuse to cooperate for me, so I thought maybe the kids would be a little bit more accomodating. So I rustled up some old pictures, some real beauties from back even in 2005, the first year we had school here. Let's just say, things have definitely changed. Not the least being the kids themselves. 

Here are a few samples of what I've done so far. Hopefully more to come soon!

Mauricio & Clifton-present and 2011. Even 4 years can make quite the difference. 

Carlos & José, present and 2010, where will they be in 5 more years? We can only pray!!

one of the biggest "differences" I've done so far. 2007-2015  Elmer, Louis, Elmer Santos, Alfredo and Mauricio with some friends from Belize.  I didn't quite see it as necessary to try to bring the friends fro Belize just for a photo shoot! I've got so many more fun photos I want to do, we'll have to see how time holds out. 

In the last week we also took class pics and celebrated Children's Day. But those pics might have to wait for another post. Until then, remember to live life with your whole heart even if it feels like it will kill you. 

A new angel . . .

So this post is over-due by a few days . . . Why? You might ask. Well, it was kinda a thing that I didn't want to over-react. Which is really dumb, looking back. You can't over-react about a new Christian! And then I said, "Well, we want to be sure this is for real. I'd hate to make a big deal about it and then end up having her get sent home next week. That would look real authentic."

See, Silvia gave her heart to Jesus last week. And just like every other situation that I have gone through with this girl, I ended up learning more about myself and where I need help. 

Let me start at the beginning.

Last Monday night Silvia had a little blow-up. (I believe it was refusing to shower, seriously, who doesn't want to shower after sweating all day?! but anyhow, that was the fight she chose that night) Becky basically told her that she's not even gonna try and fight her, if Silvia wants to make the decision to leave CICS, then it is in her hands. Basically, "you are on your last thread here and if you make the decision to continue acting up, the doors to CICS will be closed to you." Obviously that got Silvia thinking and the next morning Silvia came and of her own volition asked forgiveness from both Paty and me for things she had done the day before. I took the opportunity to talk to her a bit to make sure she knew where we stood. I told her that I could see that Silvia had not been happy the last few days, and I could see that God was touching her heart, that He wanted to come in, but it would have to be Silvia's choice. We talked for quite a while, and Silvia told me, with tears in her eyes that, "Yes, she was ready to stop fighting against God, and let Him into her heart." I very nearly broke down right there. I wrapped her up in a hug and I got one of the most amazing hugs from Silvia in response. No extra squeezing, no chin digging into my shoulder, no rubbing my back . . . All the things she normally does to try to distance herself while giving a hug. This time, she just layed her head on my shoulder and let me hold her. Three years of chin-digging hugs were totally worth for that one! 

However, I told her that I was not the only one who had been praying for her and that I wanted Verónica and Becky to be with us when she prayed. As luck would have it, Becky had left for the day and didn't get back till about 6:30 that evening. I got her up to speed on what had happened, but by that time Silvia wa in bed and we decided it would be better to wait until we had plenty of time to talk with her and make sure she understood what she was doing. 

So Wednesday evening after church Silvia, Becky, Verónica and I headed out to my classroom. Becky explained very clearly to Silvia, using the whiteboard, the two forces that were fighting for control of her heart. Silvia was able to very clearly explain what she was feeling in her heart and which side she wanted to choose. I don't think there was a dry eye among us as Silvia prayed and asked forgiveness for the lies and rebellion that she had had and invited Jesus into her heart. I still get shivers thinking about it. And my one prayer leading up to this was that God would let me feel if it was real. And He definitely showed me, through numerous small things, that yes, this was real. 

So now I have a little angel in my classroom! Or Not! This is the part where my lesson comes in. God has had to remind me countless times over the last few days of the bajillion times I have failed Him and continue to mess up and the innumerable times I have had to learn the same lesson. And I expect Silvia to get rid of 14 years of anger and rebellion taken care of in a few days!?! Seriously, Mel!

I think my biggest fight in this is how Satan tempts me to think that it was not real. That Silvia only did it because she knew that's what we wanted, because she thought it would give her a free ride to an easy life. And to that I can only cry with the father of the demonic boy in Mark 9:24, "Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief!"

Please continue to pray for Silvia, that looking to Jesus instead of obeying her flesh would become easier every day. Pray for the intervention of the Holy Spirit when the language barrier seems to big to describe things like sanctification and being born again and putting to death the old man. 

Verdicts and second chances . . .

Well, it may be more like a third or fourth chance, maybe even fifth. But I'm not counting and I don't think anyone else is. Except maybe her mom who is worried about how many chances there will be and when we will say, "No more chances."

But thank God, that is not yet. 

Tuesday of last week there was a meeting, Nata & Becky, 3 board members and one scared little nun. I went into the meeting honestly not having the slightest clue what the verdict was going to be. We were or course, discussing the fate of Silvia. And whether she had crossed the last line or if we could give her another chance. 

Two hours later, after much discussion and many options and many lessons learned by the nun in how to make meetings last longer than necessary, the verdict was agreed upon by all. 

To say the truth, I was scared of either verdict. I was scared we would say, "no more chances." And I would feel, very muchly, that I had failed in one of the things that is closest to Jesus' heart, the precious souls of His children. But I was also scared that we would say, "sure come on back to school." Because me being the selfish nun that I am, really liked the easy class I had when we were minus Silvia. But suddenly in the meeting when it seemed to me that things were starting to lean precariously close to the side of expelling Silvia for good, I knew what I really wanted the verdict to be. Maybe because I don't want it to be said, that I (we) gave up. Or maybe because my pride couldn't handle the thought that there was a student that had gotten the best of me. I just knew that saying there was no more hope for Silvia and that she didn't deserve another chance, felt so totally wrong. Exactly the opposite of what Jesus was wanting us to do. But thankfully (during the 2hrs) the tide shifted and it was clear that giving Silvia another chance was what we all wanted to do. The decision was unanimous. Silvia will be coming back to finish out the last two months of school. 

I was relieved.

And I was scared.

And to be honest, still am a little bit. 

The optimistic side of me says, "Surely two months of being expelled should now mean she can have at least two good months at school."

But the realistic side of me laughs and says, "Honey, this is Silvia we're talking about here."

The thing with Silvia is, you never know. She is a loving child, at least I like to think that is her true nature, but one can never tell what it is that will set her off. Or what will make her raise her defenses and shut off her brain. What triggers are causing her drastic reactions? I would give a lot to break through all language barriers and just see inside her brain, unhindered, for a few minutes. 

But I haven't been given that gift. So I will work with what I have. Which I happen to know includes a lot of prayer support. 

I have no clue how Silvia will show up tomorrow morning. Relieved to be back at school and with her friends, willing to be a cooperative part of the team here. Or stressed from the changes in schedule that resulted from her expulsion and looking for a safe place to vent her frustration, which is usually in my classroom or maybe the playground or maybe the kitchen or the laundry room while doing her afternoon chores. Like I said, one can never tell! 

So I am pleading with you not to forget Silvia in your prayers. Pray that her time being expelled caused her to stop and think. Pray for a change of heart. She knows that she is not right with God and that she is the only one who can change that. And that she has to WANT to change, we can't do it for her. She just doesn't want to give up yet. 

And pray for me too. Wisdom, patience, true love, strength . . . The list could go on for awhile. 

And if I survive I will keep you updated, and maybe I will even be able to tell about my first visitors of the year. The first that were EXCLUSIVELY mine. And about the visitor I'm expecting and other cool stuff happening but as of right now, bed feels a little bit more important. 

Once again a student . . .

Have you ever been explaining something to someone, trying to teach them how to do something when suddenly they catch on and say, "Oh, you mean like this!" And turns out they knew how to do it all along, and they're actually better at it than you are. And all you can do is stand there and feel about two inches tall. 

That happened to me this week. (Or, I guess it's last week by now.) 

Beatriz' grandpa's funeral was on Thursday. Thankfully it was in the afternoon so we were able to attend. So the majority of us staff and a few of the students piled into the van and headed out to Tacachico. We didn't attend the Catholic Mass, although I would have been very interested in seeing the ceremonies. I was told the length of the service, in which the soul is supposedly blessed and ushered into heaven, depends on how much the family can afford to pay the priest. Can you imagine feeling as if your father/grandfather may not end up in heaven simply because you couldn't afford to pay the priest for a sufficient prayer! Although, I think the Cruz family should have nothing to worry about, based on that. We waited for a small eternity in the parking lot, or so it seemed. But I'm getting sidetracked. 

We met up with another couple, Abel & Myrna, who live close to Beatriz and were also attending the funeral. As we were waiting in a small parking lot close to the church, Myrna came over and with tears in her eyes began to tell us what had happened the night before, at the "vela." (An all-night vigil, something like a viewing) Beatriz had come to her asking if she could talk to her mom, because her parents were refusing to let her wear her veil & dress. Myrna was, of course, ready to defend and went to talk to her mom. However, her mom refused to be persuaded. There was family from the states and they would not have their daughter shaming them by dressing like a "grandma." This was not just said to Myrna. Beatriz was heartbroken, and when we joined the funeral procession to the gravesite, she began to cry in earnest, ashamed that we had to see her in a skirt and blouse. Mary was quick to take her aside and reassure her that God saw her heart and that He knew that she wanted to do what was right and that she hadn't lost her Chrisitanity just because she didn't have her head covered. And then Beatriz explained the things that even Myrna hadn't known. That her father had literally ripped her veil off her head, and pulled her by the hair, telling her to change, and when she said that she was not ashamed, he hit her with his belt. And then took her dress and threw it in the trash. And I wanted to close my eyes and not see what she was saying and at the same time wanted to take her and run far far away. Because that was her father sober. 

And we were able to, for a little bit. We talked with her mom, asking permission for Beatriz to come back with us, seeing as how Friday was the spelling competition that she had studied three months for.  Her mother, rather reluctantly, gave permission. And so Beatriz wanted to say good-bye to some of her aunts and uncles who would be leaving for the states the next day. I walked with her, waiting while saw said her good-byes. And then I saw her father, viciously gesturing to her, and I knew it was not good. He walked out of the crush of people surrounding the gravesite, his ginormous hand nearly bruising Beatriz's arm in his vicious grip. It was clear he was not on board with the idea of her leaving. We were able to explain that it was because of the competition that she had worked hard for and that she would be home the next afternoon, just like every Friday. And he let go of Beatriz' arm and I, holding her other hand, wanted to run out of that cemetery as fast as I possibly could. 

And Beatriz sat in the back seat of the van and said, "Oh, it's good to be with the deaf again, it's much calmer." And then we had our competition the next day. And then Beatriz went home, most likely to a dad who is raging drunk. And a family who at best, tolerates her beliefs, when not mocking them. And she says, "It doesn't matter what they say, I am going to be faithful." And she comes to school every Monday morning with a ginormous smile on her face. 

And yes, now I feel about two inches tall. It's like I've been playing "Christian" my whole life. What do I know about respecting a father who beats me for wearing a modest dress? A father who pitches my Bible? What do I know about encouraging a girl who lives that life? 

Once again, I am the student and not the teacher. 

Please join me in extra prayer for Beatriz this week. A week of vacation for me means a week at home for her. With a father who is most likely trying to drink away his grief. Pray for protection and strength and a heart that continues to be soft. 

The sudden - unexpected changes . . .

Tomorrow morning I have to tell Beatriz, one of my students, that she will be going home for her grandpa's funeral. 

And I'm sitting here trying to think how I'm supposed to word it. To break it to her gently as we always say. 

And there just is no right way, no easy way. For sure no gentle way. 

And I'm also trying to think how to rearrange the week. To make sure she won't have to miss out on any of the fun stuff we had planned for this week. It's the last week before vacation. We had an ice cream party planned to celebrate reaching our goal of 300 flash cards. We have the spelling bee on Friday, that Beatriz had a very good chance of winning. 

And we want to go to the funeral, but there's the other kids to think about, there's visitors to pick up from the airport, there's appointments with the immigration office to get some very much-needed residency cards. Lots of interrupted plans. 

And it made me remember our interrupted plans for a family Christmas 6 years ago. Instead of having a cozy family get-together in our living room, we were standing under a tent in a freezing cold cemetery, burying our dad & husband. 

The truth is there is never a good time for death. That's probably why God decided not to let us plan it. It would never suit us! 

I remember what someone told me and my sister when they were passing through the receiving line at the viewing, "As you get older this just keeps happening more and more, this is just the start." 

Oh, wow! Just what we needed to hear! 

But it is rather true. Death is inevitable. There is no avoiding that sudden jarring thud you feel when you hear the news. Even if you didn't know the person. And in a way, I'm glad. I don't want to get to the place where I can hear the news that someone died and feel no sadness and no sympathy for the family. Because it also brings along with it the reminder that this is not our home. We belong in a body that can praise Jesus eternally. 

But until then we deal with these sudden, unexpected changes that remind us to live every minute as if it were our last. 

"If the last thing you did, was the last thing you do,

If the last word you said, was the last breath you drew,

Would you be ok, with the way they remember you,

If the last thing you did, was the last thing you do?" 

                      -High Valley, If The Last Thing You Did

Pray for Beatriz and her family this week. Especially pray that her father would not turn to drinking again. 

Until next time, 

Mel 

Back to normal?!?

So after my long, morbid post written from Houston one would think that the ideal "recovery" week would be to have smooth sailing and kids behaving and plenty of early nights and so on.

Didn't happen!

I arrived back home around midnight Monday night. I decided I might as well jump right back in with both feet. I knew sleeping in could be slightly dangerous! So I told Mary, who had been substituting for me, to plan on me taking the class for Tuesday. Tuesday morning we headed out to school for a "catch-up" interview. Mostly about what the kids had gotten done and where they were ready to start from, but also any gossip that I may have missed out on in my week away! And that's when Mary told me that the opportunity for her to go to Mexico had opened up again and she had decided to take it. Long story short, last year Mary had been asked to teach at a school in Mexico and was planning to go, but was detained because of paperwork. The paperwork in question was a license for the school/orphanage in Mexico, something that they were warned could take years. Now a year later, the paperwork, hopefully, is fixed and so the school once again asked if she would be willing to come teach. I had known before I left that it was a possibility, but she hadn't made her decision yet. I'm super happy for her. This is something that she has wanted to do for a while, but with all the red tape involved she had given up any hope of going in the forseen future. Her acceptance and patience in waiting for God to manifest His plan for her has left me slack-jawed! But suddenly she's talking of leaving in two months! There is still a visa that needs to be obtained but this time around it should be fairly standard. I must say it's very tempting to pray for red tape to detain her till the end of the year! I've never known CICS without Mary. Even though she wasn't living on campus my first year here, she was still around a lot. And the last two years, to say the least, I'm not sure how I would have survived them without her! And very suddenly I realized that in all probability we will be finishing the year here without her. More changes! :)

And the kids, well, from the start of the week I was feeling a lot of tension from Silvia. I had kinda been expecting it. She deals with change about as well as I do, although hopefully I've learned to temper my reactions a bit more than she has! She wasn't very happy when I told my kids that I was going to be gone for a week, and when I came back she told me she had been worried about me not coming back. I reminded her that I had told her the dates that I would come back and I had made it back so she shouldn't be worried. That seemed to appease her for a little while but I still felt tension under the surface. Turns out Silvia has been having a lot of other things going on in her life, lots of changes and things that can confuse any child. Thursday the bomb exploded and Silvia was sent home.

It has happened before, 4 times to be exact. Every year that she has been here, except for the first. She has always come back after about a month or two, whatever Nata & Becky decide is long enough. This time, a return is being debated. For the moment we know it won't be before the middle of August, when Nata & Becky return from their trip to Mexico. In the meantime the committee that oversees matters of the school will decide if maybe we have helped Silvia to the best of our abilities, and whether there may be other options that are better for her. In other words, she may not come back to school for this year.

How to put into words the hope that one can have for a child? To spend hours, days, weeks, months with them, correcting them, teaching them, living with them, loving them. To have cried tears of frustration and pain over them, as well as tears of love and forgiveness. To have prayed in frustration and anger and sorrow, hopelessness. And to finally let yourself feel a sliver, the smallest glimmer of hope. That maybe it wasn't all in vain. That maybe there is a chance that she will be able to truly open her heart and allow herself to feel love. I don't think I would have understood if someone would have tried to explain it to me. Not before I met Silvia, or I should say, not before I spent 2 1/2 years with her. I'm not good enough with words to try. I guess you'll just have to pray that God sends a Silvia your way if you want to experience it!

I can't lie. The months of July and August look significantly easier now. Anyone who has worked with a child like Silvia will understand that! I don't know if I've ever had more mixed emotions about something before. The thought that I may not see Silvia again this year . . . . doesn't bear thinking about. I haven't given up hope though, that she will be able to come back. That we can give her another chance. But neither do I want to be so obnoxious as to say that I believe we here at CICS are the only people who can help her. Who is to know the plan of God? As Becky put it in one of the initial talks that her, Nata & I had regarding the situation, "Maybe God is trying to get us to let go of Silvia because He has someone else who can help her more." But that's hard to say after investing 5 years into the life of a child. (Becky has, not me) And a selfish, proud part of me wants to say that this cannot be how it ends.

I wanted a success story. "Yes, after 5 years of many tears and prayers and much hard work we broke through and Silvia became a sweet healthy child, who loves her teachers and the authorities in her life and has apologized for all the heartaches she put them through." Actually I would have settled for something a lot less dramatic, like one whole year without being expelled! I wanted to at least be able to finish the year and say we didn't give up. Because to be honest, that's what it feels like to me if we say we can't take her back. That we are saying there is no hope for Silvia. But who knows what small particle of what we have taught her here will stick with her.

I know for a fact that her time here was not in vain. Maybe God's plan for Silvia is not that she becomes a poster child for CICS, maybe God's plan for Silvia was to be here at CICS to teach me.

Maybe I was the student and not the teacher.

If that is the case I want to keep learning. Please pray for Silvia. Pray for the board, that they would make the decision that reflects what will best fulfill the plan God has for Silvia's life. And pray for me that I would be willing to wait to see what plan that is.

For those of you who have never met Silvia, to give you an idea who you are praying for!

Changes . . . .

Just a warning, I decided to be completely honest in this update. If you don't feel like wading through the ramblings of a rather drained nun please stop now! To say the least it was a rather emotional week. Seeing my cousin/sister with her life packed in boxes, knowing that life will never be the same. Seeing her mom, dad, siblings dealing with the fact that this is not a year or two of service in another country, no, this is a completely new life that she has chosen. Her future is in Montana. 

Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for Gloria and Allen. He makes her happy, I can see it plainly on her face. I was just faced, ok, more like hit over the head, with the reality that life involves changes. 

Ok, I'm 24 years old. I know life involves changes. But somehow, I wanted life to be all about the changes that I decided to make. Just the ones that I had control over. I didn't want other people making decisions in their lives that affected me, but that I had no control over. 

I wanted to be able to move back to the states after I am finished in El Salvador and still be able to make the trips I made as a 10 year-old. Those lovely weeks in the summer when we out-of-states cousins would all troop to Ohio and spend the week with Grandpas and the Ohio cousins, making hay, making a mess of Grandpas yard with our water slide, helping the aunts clean out their closets and terrorizing the boys with our dressing up shenanigans, damming up the creek and slathering ourselves from head to toe with mud before we ever knew it was a high end spa treatment.

I wanted to be able to relive those blissful years of 18-21, when we were just independent enough to think we knew it all and thought we actually knew how the world worked and it was blissful, spur-of-the-moment pontoon trips, just because we were all in Ohio anyway, and late night talks on Mark & Reeny's front porch, discussing the worlds problems because we had enough wisdom to figure them out. 

I wanted to be able to move back to West Virginia and fit right back into the niche that I vacated 3 years ago, in the church and the youth and the community. 

But this week/weekend in a series of "enlightening" moments my wishful fairytale thinking evaporated into thin air, the vapor that I had used to construct my imaginary castles. 

As a dear lady, who is a returned missionary as of a year ago, very succinctly told me, "They just don't leave space for you." 

And it's true, life in the states moves on even when I'm not there. Newsflash Mel! And that's exactly how it should be. Thinking other people's lives should wait for me just so I can be comfortable and not go through the growing pains of change. How despicable and selfish is that?! 

But it doesn't make the changes any easier . . . It doesn't make me not want to go back to that innocent 10 year-old me, fishing in grandpa's pond or even the 18 year-old me who knew how the world operated. 

Maybe innocence is bliss after all. 

So now I'm sitting in a corner of the International Airport of Houston, listening to songs that are making me cry and trying to convince myself that I am ready to go back to my kids and pour my heart into them again. Because I know that's the only option I have right now. That the best way to forget about your own stress/worries is to pour yourself into others. 

But right now, the thought just makes me tired. 

I wanna dedicate this post ( I don't know, do people do that?!) to Violet, for all the tears we shared over the weekend, and to CJ, thanks for that much-needed four-wheeler ride Sunday afternoon. Having your life flash before your eyes tends to make you forget about some of the lesser stresses! I'm praying for both of you guys as you continue wading through the changes. 

And yes, I will try to get an update out about my great 12 hours in Panama but right now, I'm thinking a nap might be more beneficial to my emotional outlook on life! But you can't say I didn't warn you!!