How am I?!?

I was rather embarrassed recently when a friend of mine asked if I planned to keep up with my blog since I'm back in the states. I told her that yes, I was planning on keeping it up but somehow I just hadn't found the "ganas" to write yet. For those of you who do not have the fortune of knowing Spanish, "ganas" is a fantastic word that has no good translation to English. As close as I can get, would be, "desire" or "oomph!" 

The thing is, how can you tell people how you're doing, give an update, when you yourself don't know quite how you're doing?

You know how shock works. People can cut their finger off and sit there and look at it, maybe even snap a picture of it and upload it to Facebook before the pain ever hits. (Can't actually say this from personal experience, but I've been told . . . ) That's more or less how I'm feeling. 

Numb. 

Like I didn't throw myself on my bed and cry myself to sleep over all my kids that I wouldn't see for a very long time. But neither did I feel excited and overjoyed to be with my friends and family that I hadn't seen for a very long time. 

Emotionally dead is not a fun way to be feeling. 

But as with any major injury, eventual feeling starts to return. The throbbing of the injury and confirmation that it is not your whole body that was maimed. The pain over what was lost and the comfort of knowing that not all is lost. 

It comes slowly. The feeling of being alive. 

The rush of cold wind bringing tears to my eyes, tearing up the road in the four-wheeler.

The music of a John Deere tractor in my ears, watching the rich brown earth rolling under the disk. 

The smell of damp earth and smoke from the wood fire, tickling my nose in the silence of the deer blind.

The awe felt while watching a full moon glide up over the horizon, and then watching it set in the cold haze of an autumn dawn. 

Catching up for nine months of missed playtime with the niece and nephews

The feeling of pride, watching my (little) brother walk down the aisle-seeing the man he has become. (No, he wasn't walking down the aisle with this one, but these two just looked too cute to not snap the pic) 

Of course, when the heart is opened to the good feelings the hard feelings also come in. The ache in my stomach for some good tortillas with fresh cheese and guacamole! The boringness of doing dishes alone, no splashing by Miguel and no towel wars with Elmer. The almost unquenchable itch to sign the praise songs we sing in church. (I may just one of these days, people wouldn't look at me funny or anything right?!)  The bone-deep desire to give a great big hug to my kids and ask them how their lives have been. 

And the questions, asking God-Where do I go from here? What's the plan? Is there a plan? I don't think this is gonna work. 

So . . . How am I doing? I'm doing good! It's great to be home again!